I sat down and stared blankly at the blinking cursor. So many things to say, and not one word fell out.
I’ve been away. Not specifically from the blog, but when your priorities dissolve, everything else follows suit.
To be honest, for the past two years, I’ve been dealing with depression of my own doing. Not the clinical chemical imbalance made right with medication, but the loneliness of a heart that wandered from the fold of God. I’ll be honest: God was my schoolmaster, my judge, my babysitter. I relied on Him when I thought I needed Him, because I could handle the rest myself. After college, I didn’t think I needed my teacher anymore. I didn’t walk away from God in the sense I stopped believing; I stopped believing I needed Him constantly. He slowly exposed my pride and foolishness, and it hurt. I was lonely. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I turned to friends, work, fitness… but nothing could fill that gaping hole. I had suicidal thoughts because I pushed His peace and love away. I couldn’t handle stress because I was convinced I had to do everything on my own. I know what rock bottom feels like, because I was there. I lived there. It was my home.
But then He found me.
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“It will come about in that day,” declares the Lord,
“That you will call Me Ishi
And will no longer call Me Baali.””
I left my first love, but He never left me.
He found me and spoke softly to my broken heart. He allured me and reminded me He is not just my Master, he is also my Husband, my Love.
The “bloom” I thought I had lost came back. I sing now as I did in my closest years with Him.
I am made whole.
I have run to the other “lovers” of this world, but nothing compares… nothing compares to the Lover of your soul holding your heart in His hands.