End of an Era

I sat down and stared blankly at the blinking cursor. So many things to say, and not one word fell out.

I’ve been away. Not specifically from the blog, but when your priorities dissolve, everything else follows suit.

To be honest, for the past two years, I’ve been dealing with depression of my own doing. Not the clinical chemical imbalance made right with medication, but the loneliness of a heart that wandered from the fold of God. I’ll be honest: God was my schoolmaster, my judge, my babysitter. I relied on Him when I thought I needed Him, because I could handle the rest myself. After college, I didn’t think I needed my teacher anymore. I didn’t walk away from God in the sense I stopped believing; I stopped believing I needed Him constantly. He slowly exposed my pride and foolishness, and it hurt. I was lonely. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I turned to friends, work, fitness… but nothing could fill that gaping hole. I had suicidal thoughts because I pushed His peace and love away. I couldn’t handle stress because I was convinced I had to do everything on my own. I know what rock bottom feels like, because I was there. I lived there. It was my home.

But then He found me.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“It will come about in that day,” declares the Lord,
“That you will call Me Ishi
And will no longer call Me Baali.””

Hosea 2:14-16

I left my first love, but He never left me.

He found me and spoke softly to my broken heart. He allured me and reminded me He is not just my Master, he is also my Husband, my Love.

The “bloom” I thought I had lost came back. I sing now as I did in my closest years with Him.

I am made whole.

I have run to the other “lovers” of this world, but nothing compares… nothing compares to the Lover of your soul holding your heart in His hands.

Perfectionist Confessions: Blessed are the poor in spirit.

I seriously don’t believe in trigger warnings, but I am going to say that this is probably one of the most brutally honest posts I’ve ever written. It may trigger you to examine yourself as I’ve examined and continue to examine myself, but this isn’t like… PTSD inducing or anything. Consider this the asterisk with the small print.

I’ve written a lot about perfectionism and the trap that it is. But there’s this thing about a trap: you can see that you’re in it without getting out. Recognizing the trap does not equal escaping the trap. Continue reading

Perfectionist Confessions: You are not worthy

I was really tempted to start this out with a Thor, Mj√∂lnir, and “He who is worthy” joke, but I’ll refrain.

Some of you may – or may not – have noticed that I haven’t written much lately. Chalk it up to holidays, busy work schedule, extracurricular projects, whatever.
It may have been a few months of silence from me, but believe me, it hasn’t been a few months of silence from God. Continue reading

“It’s another boy!”

If you’ve passed by a TV or heard a radio talk show in the past month or so, you’ve probably heard that Planned Parenthood has been exposed selling baby body parts to research facilities. Most of the focus seems to be on the illegality of this, but the voices shouting about the absolute inhumanity of it all are getting louder and larger in numbers, and I’m going to join them.
Continue reading